Where are you now?

So,I wake this morning to find my husband didn,t come home last night. He left last night to saying he was going to work with his brother on something. I asked doing what with a reply of, "I don,t know." Afte calling evry half hour this morning, I have not received a call back or a text saying if he is o.k., where he is at, or if he is coming back at all. Which I know he has to come back due to a Dr. appointment tomarow morning. We have had several troubled times in the 11 years we have been married. Even a 9 month separation after the first 2 years. I just do not know if I can handle the non-communication any longer. I have said the whole time that he needs to be more expressive with feelings and emotion. Let me know what is going on with his work and friends. There are days when we hardly speak at all. Road trips are quiet and long. I am beginning to think the only thing we have left in common anymore is our girls.
About a month and a half ago my 12 year old thought she would run away. He was here asleep while she came in and packed her stuff up and started heading down the road. I saw her as I pulled out of the church parking lot and she got in the back seat and balled the short distance back home. When I told him about this, he said that it wasn't a big deal. I told him that he is not here even when he is home. He is gone every other week on an oil rig. I am left here to handle school, sports, bills, attitudes, chores, and everything else that we should be doing together. I am always the bad guy in this house. I am the one who has to deal out punishments and make them do chores. Even when he is here, he is so tuned out and says he doesn't want problems and doesn't want the kids upset with him. SO I guess it is o.k. for them to be mad at me. He spends time with the girls playing games and going to families house to play with the nieces and nephews. He takes them to stores and lets them get what they want. I am glad he does this. But, what he does not understand is how alone this has left me.
In his absence I have acquired a gambling problem. I know why I do it. In there, there is no time. I set down and zone into the machine. No thinking of bills coming, the lack of interest of my husband, my mother stress, lawsuit stress, or house work that needs to be done. I have met some fun people too. I get conversation with adults on their life and what juicy gossip is going around. Sometimes, yes, I over spend. Mostly I come out even or a head. There people are not coming at me with drama and wanting answers to life's problems. Believe me when I say I am seriously thinking of getting up and going right now. But, the laundry is calling so goodbye for now...

Who am I living for?

      So, I have been having this long hard look at my life. For the last 13 years I have been in mom mode. Which it rightly should be. My girls have been everything to me. Even when I was in my craziest times, they are everything to me. This thing going on with my husband has drug me down. My soul feels barren of lite. I feel as if I am fighting from going in robot mode. Believe me when I say that I have lost who I am. I feel no power over my own feelings or dreams or even what I do on a daily basis. What do I want to do today?

Back to the YMCA!!

So I joined back to the YMCA in Weatherford. I really need to lose quite a bit of weight this time. Right now I am at 193lbs. Opra says to put the number out there so you have to own it. Once you own it then you can change it. I have decided to set a goal of 20lbs by Jan. 1. When I reach this goal I will then maintain that loss for a month. Then I will set a new goal. I am hoping that by setting small goals that I will be able to keep the weight off. Here is how my work outs will go.
Monday: Running and cycle machines then to the nautilus weights. After them a few laps in the pool and a dip in the jacuzzi for 10 minutes.

Tuesday: Zumba first thing in the morning. I have never done this so I will see how much is left in me after an hour of this before I do any more workout.

This schedule will alternate through out the rest of the week.

So this is my starting point. Along with this I am going to start sleeping better and eating better. Well see you later! xxx fingers crossed!

Come on vacation!!

O.K. Rafa has been gone with Nellie for the last 5 days. I miss her so much. Then yesterday, my 11 year old starts her period. Now, my nother was horrible to me growing up and she never was open about sex an the changes you go through. I was so scared time I got mine. I didn,t even tell her for like 3 years. My friend Kristi told me everything I needed to do. I am happy to say, that my daughter came right to me and told me. We had a long talk and I showed her how to use the supplies I bought for her. Then we had a girls day out with Torri and her girls. We ate chinese and went shopping. I wanted to cry, but, I did not. I have to say if it wasn't for Sam telling me how she handled it with her daughter, I probably would have. I love my friends! Just saying. I am ready for vacation so I can see her.

10 down!

So I took dear Erin's pre-op (madness) diet and tweaked it a bit for me. I have been using a low carb and low sugar protein shake in the morning, a few hours later I have yogurt and fruit, lunch is tuna w/light (1 tbsp) mayo no bread and water, few hours later more fruit then I have a light dinner. I use serving sizes, yes the actual cup or half cup serving and oz. of meat. No fried stuff for the last week. Guess what! Yeah I lost 10lbs. in the last 9 days! I am finally back below 200lbs. I am hoping that I can stay on it because it is hard. I swear I hear voices from my cupboards at night taunting me! Maybe it is a state of delirium from the lack of sugar.

Awesome, yet sad...

Today I slept in till 10:45a.m. When I got up I had to pray immediately. I am sure I prayed for at least 30 minutes. It was as if the Holy Spirit itself was speaking to me and I was singing and crying. To some they may think this is a psychotic episode. Those are the ones that I am praying for daily. It is an awesome feeling when God fills your heart and soul and you feel so happy all you can do is cry.

So I took mom up to Darcie's church. I would love to call this church my home. I love the feeling of when I walk through the door. It is as if God is whispering in my soul. Tonight I got to hear Martha speak. She is the pastor's wife. Her message was so moving and she read Ephesians 5:15 So be careful how you live. Don't live like fools, but like those who are wise.16 Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. Martha had a list of things she was no longer going to waist time doing. So I have been praying about what I should make a list of. Here it is:
I will no longer waist time....
1. laying in bed. This is going to be a tough one. But my the need to accomplish something will help get my butt up and going.
2. sweating the small stuff.( one of Martha's)
3. of my childrens. They are growing up so fast. i am vowing to make the most of their child hood and make lots of great memories for them. I am going to be an example for their walk with God as well.
4. telling the people I love, I love them. (Yes, Darcie this means you!) As Martha was reading this one Darcie turns to Sarah and then to I and says hey, Martha loves you. Saying the words can be hard. Actions are words too.

So for now this is a start.

Wow!

O.K. So it is almost nine and I am not hungry. This is the first time in a long time that I can remember that I haven't been hungry by this time. I think I might be able to not snack tonight! Wish me luck! Also, A big high five to E for sticking it out today!

Why do I do it?

I lay here night after night and want to eat. This is so depressing. I know I shouldn't and yet, I will get up and eat a bowl of cereal or a sandwich I don't eat very much during the day. I am not an unhappy person. I love my life God has blessed me with. I have 2 beautiful girls and a huge family full of my "other" kids. Well, maybe I will get stronger and not want to eat tomorrow night.