New Life

           Well, since 2013, things have gone up and down. Rafa and I got divorced November 12, 2014. There was so much in between us that we could not communicate. Not that it was his strong suit at all. After months of only being home 3 or 4 days, I was done. I could not get over the feeling he had met someone else. Mexico was more important than being home with me and helping me with the daily life things. Now he is remarried to a woman in Mexico and is raising her son. He still lives in Oklahoma. We talk every now and then. I let Nellie go to Mexico this Christmas so she can spend time with her family. It was hard.
   
           After the divorce, there was nothing left for me in Oklahoma except heart break, lies, and debt. I had no focus or goals. Nothing to define "ME" as a person. I love my girls and have gave every minute of my life for them since they were born. This is where the problem lies. They grow and leave. What was I going to do when Nellie was gone in 4 years? I had tried going to school numerous times. Turns out, Kareena saw this as abandoning her and her sister to selfishly pursue my own interest. So I lack 500hrs from a cosmetology license and 6 classes from my associates degree in science. I decided, I am moving home to Florida! So, May of 2015 Rafa packed us up and loaded up kids and I loaded up kids in my car and we traveled south to Pensacola. Rafa stayed 1 week with the girls and helped unload the trailer into a storage unit. Roy, Perla, Esme, and Kareena's boyfriend Ivan all came too. So they all had one last great summer together. Ivan was scumbag of course. First boyfriends always are.

       The purpose of the move was to start over. Samantha, my long time bestfriend, needed me. She was going through a rough time. Adam had started a business of  installing and repair of boat lifts and dock needs. We were finally going to live our dream! Run our own company make money! Then the lawsuit happend from an ex employer who had a plan to wipe Adam out. First he got to the contractors we worked with. Then Adam had to start paying the lawyer. Every time he turned around that schmuck was there. It hurt the business, Then while installing a lift one day, I fell off the side of the barge. Hit my side and damaged my liver, spleen, and portal vein. Not knowing the extent, I kept working till the work was fading. I needed to have a steady income. So I went and worked at GE. It was there that my life trully changed.

     After 1 week of training we were placed on shift. I remember the first time he walked past me. Blue eyes, red beard, sharp nose, and a big grin. I was floored right there. Sean Smith. I was going to have him one way or another. But, me and my work morals being never date a co worker, put that in a tough spot. Till my liver decided to say "Hey! Remember me? You knocked the hell out of me and then just walked on like it didn't happen? Yeah, guess what, I'm goign to try and kill you know. " SO I ended up in the hospital. Then because I didnt want to lose my job, I took the lay off they were asking for volunteers. It was then, I decided to pursue him. Best damn decision I have evr made!

    Sean has been there for me for some pretty scary and heavy things. Kareena leaving for Oklahoma and not coming back. Quitting my job at GE because of a lying snake who eventually got her come upings. He quit drinking, I quit smoking, I do not gamble, I do not drink alcohol. His family has welcomed me with such open arms. All of them. Now, he welcomed my own birth mom to live with us as long as she can. Donna is in end stages of COPD/CHF Emphasema. She has been with us 1 month and has declined so much that she can not stand on her own. I am trying to get her medicaid set so that she can be moved to an assisted living center just 5 minutes away. I could stop to see her on the way home from picking Nellie up everyday. She is ready for this step too. We both had hoped for her to be here a bit longer. She will stay as long as she can.

   So now, here I am, a Licensed Real Estate Agent with Century 21 AmeriSouth Realty. My business is growing so quickly it is hard to keep up! I am learning so many new techniques to marketing and growing my business. I have finally found my place in this life. Nellie just went last night to a opening ceremony at the Art Museum where one of her art pieces is being shown! She has grown into a great person. She has become more loving and happy since the move here. She is straight A student with so much talent. I can not wait to see where she goes and what she does with this life.

Been a while!

Well where to begin. I have recently rededicated my life to God. I havebeen trying real hard to quit smoking. Had 3 months under my belt. Ended up slipping this past week. I am gonna try again tomorrow. I am also going to start trying to live a minimal life style. 

With my oldest daughter starting high school I need to start seriously saving some money.

So as I find out new ways to save I will post here. Also how I am doing with not smoking.

Where are you now?

So,I wake this morning to find my husband didn,t come home last night. He left last night to saying he was going to work with his brother on something. I asked doing what with a reply of, "I don,t know." Afte calling evry half hour this morning, I have not received a call back or a text saying if he is o.k., where he is at, or if he is coming back at all. Which I know he has to come back due to a Dr. appointment tomarow morning. We have had several troubled times in the 11 years we have been married. Even a 9 month separation after the first 2 years. I just do not know if I can handle the non-communication any longer. I have said the whole time that he needs to be more expressive with feelings and emotion. Let me know what is going on with his work and friends. There are days when we hardly speak at all. Road trips are quiet and long. I am beginning to think the only thing we have left in common anymore is our girls.
About a month and a half ago my 12 year old thought she would run away. He was here asleep while she came in and packed her stuff up and started heading down the road. I saw her as I pulled out of the church parking lot and she got in the back seat and balled the short distance back home. When I told him about this, he said that it wasn't a big deal. I told him that he is not here even when he is home. He is gone every other week on an oil rig. I am left here to handle school, sports, bills, attitudes, chores, and everything else that we should be doing together. I am always the bad guy in this house. I am the one who has to deal out punishments and make them do chores. Even when he is here, he is so tuned out and says he doesn't want problems and doesn't want the kids upset with him. SO I guess it is o.k. for them to be mad at me. He spends time with the girls playing games and going to families house to play with the nieces and nephews. He takes them to stores and lets them get what they want. I am glad he does this. But, what he does not understand is how alone this has left me.
In his absence I have acquired a gambling problem. I know why I do it. In there, there is no time. I set down and zone into the machine. No thinking of bills coming, the lack of interest of my husband, my mother stress, lawsuit stress, or house work that needs to be done. I have met some fun people too. I get conversation with adults on their life and what juicy gossip is going around. Sometimes, yes, I over spend. Mostly I come out even or a head. There people are not coming at me with drama and wanting answers to life's problems. Believe me when I say I am seriously thinking of getting up and going right now. But, the laundry is calling so goodbye for now...

Who am I living for?

      So, I have been having this long hard look at my life. For the last 13 years I have been in mom mode. Which it rightly should be. My girls have been everything to me. Even when I was in my craziest times, they are everything to me. This thing going on with my husband has drug me down. My soul feels barren of lite. I feel as if I am fighting from going in robot mode. Believe me when I say that I have lost who I am. I feel no power over my own feelings or dreams or even what I do on a daily basis. What do I want to do today?

Back to the YMCA!!

So I joined back to the YMCA in Weatherford. I really need to lose quite a bit of weight this time. Right now I am at 193lbs. Opra says to put the number out there so you have to own it. Once you own it then you can change it. I have decided to set a goal of 20lbs by Jan. 1. When I reach this goal I will then maintain that loss for a month. Then I will set a new goal. I am hoping that by setting small goals that I will be able to keep the weight off. Here is how my work outs will go.
Monday: Running and cycle machines then to the nautilus weights. After them a few laps in the pool and a dip in the jacuzzi for 10 minutes.

Tuesday: Zumba first thing in the morning. I have never done this so I will see how much is left in me after an hour of this before I do any more workout.

This schedule will alternate through out the rest of the week.

So this is my starting point. Along with this I am going to start sleeping better and eating better. Well see you later! xxx fingers crossed!

Come on vacation!!

O.K. Rafa has been gone with Nellie for the last 5 days. I miss her so much. Then yesterday, my 11 year old starts her period. Now, my nother was horrible to me growing up and she never was open about sex an the changes you go through. I was so scared time I got mine. I didn,t even tell her for like 3 years. My friend Kristi told me everything I needed to do. I am happy to say, that my daughter came right to me and told me. We had a long talk and I showed her how to use the supplies I bought for her. Then we had a girls day out with Torri and her girls. We ate chinese and went shopping. I wanted to cry, but, I did not. I have to say if it wasn't for Sam telling me how she handled it with her daughter, I probably would have. I love my friends! Just saying. I am ready for vacation so I can see her.

10 down!

So I took dear Erin's pre-op (madness) diet and tweaked it a bit for me. I have been using a low carb and low sugar protein shake in the morning, a few hours later I have yogurt and fruit, lunch is tuna w/light (1 tbsp) mayo no bread and water, few hours later more fruit then I have a light dinner. I use serving sizes, yes the actual cup or half cup serving and oz. of meat. No fried stuff for the last week. Guess what! Yeah I lost 10lbs. in the last 9 days! I am finally back below 200lbs. I am hoping that I can stay on it because it is hard. I swear I hear voices from my cupboards at night taunting me! Maybe it is a state of delirium from the lack of sugar.